im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
