It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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