I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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