I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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