Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
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his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
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And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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