dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
