The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
