i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
