Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
