I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
