he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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