I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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