Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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