Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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