Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
