Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
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I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
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I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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