We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
