New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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