Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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