Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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