Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
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17 year olds will be the death of me.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
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Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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