Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
