don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
this hospital has no fireball
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
