FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Randomize
