I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
