Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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