she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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