I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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