so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
