i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
