Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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