Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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