Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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