if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize