HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
