I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
