If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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