He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
