I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.