Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?