I am puke
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
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One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
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Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.