you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.