you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
