I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
