You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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