Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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