she smelled like a LAN party
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
