She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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