You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
