I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
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Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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