we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
