Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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