Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
