If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
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He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
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She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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