I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
