Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Randomize
