and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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