I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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