How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
